Parts work: Understanding your internal family systems
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a conceptual framework and therapeutic practice for developing love for ourselves and each other. IFS recognizes that our psyches are made up of different parts, sometimes called subpersonalities, or ‘multiplicity of the mind’. You can think of them as little people inside us. Each has its own perspective, feelings, memories, goals, and motivations. IFS has discovered that every part has a positive intent for you, no matter how problematic it might be.
For example, Sally has a part that says, “You couldn’t be successful at your ambitious goals. Who do you think you are?” This is hurtful to her and prevents her from taking action in her life, but when she got to know this part in her IFS work, she discovered that it was actually afraid she would be punished if she stuck her neck out, and it was trying to stop her to protect her from that pain.
Bill has a part that is judgmental and competitive with other people in a way that is not consistent with his true values. However, when he really got to know that part, he discovered that it was just trying to help him feel OK about himself in the only way it knew—by feeling superior to others. When you understand that a part has a positive intent, it doesn’t mean that you give the part power. Sally doesn’t want her part to prevent her from taking action, and Bill doesn’t want his part to act out being judgmental and competitive. However, using the IFS approach, Sally and Bill can relate to their parts with understanding and appreciation (instead of repressing, or fighting against yourself) while taking the steps to heal them.
This is fundamentally different from the way we ordinarily relate to our parts. Usually when we become aware of a part, the first thing we do is evaluate it. Is it good or bad for us? If we decide it is good, we embrace it and give it power. We act from it. If we decide it is bad, we try to suppress it or get rid of it. We tell it to go away. However, this doesn’t work. You can’t get rid of a part. You can only push it into your unconscious, where it will continue to affect you, but without your awareness. In IFS, we do something altogether different and radical. We welcome all our parts with curiosity and compassion. We seek to understand them and appreciate their efforts to help us. But we don’t lose sight of the ways they may be causing us problems. We develop a relationship of caring and trust with each part, and then take the steps to release it from its burdens so it can function in a healthy way.
“Our disturbing thoughts and emotions are manifestations of inner Personalities that have been forced into extreme roles by traumatic events in our lives and represent the underdeveloped protective parts of ourselves.”
5 basic assumptions of IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy:
The human mind is subdivided into an unknown number of parts.
Each person has a Self, and the Self should be the chief agent in coordinating the inner family.
Parts engaging in non-extreme behavior are beneficial to the individual. There is no such thing as a “bad part.” IFS aims to help parts discover their non-extreme roles.
Personal growth and development leads to growth & development of the internal family. Reorganization of the internal system may lead to rapid changes in the roles of parts. Adjustments made to the internal system will result in changes to the external system and vice versa. Therefore, both the internal and external systems need to be adequately assessed (i.e. simultaneously working on inner life, and outer life).
You have all the resources you need inside of you. However, you may not always have access to those resources due to a polarization of inner parts. Similar to ‘external’ family issues, the internal family can be locked in combat, using up emotional energy on ‘drama’ that could be used in resolving problems & maintaining balance (homeostasis).
The Self
Key to IFS theory is the concept of the Self. Each of us has a spiritual center -- a true Self. The Self is the untouched core of each person, protected from trauma by the other parts. When the client is in Self, she demonstrates compassion, interest and empathy toward her parts and others and has access to all of her resources. She is coming from what some theories would call the internal therapist. Many traumatized individuals are not aware that they have a Self/leader because it has been hidden and protected by the parts. Polarized parts step up to absorb the damage of trauma and react forcefully when threatened, taking over or hiding the Self. These parts frequently develop in childhood and do not have adult coping strategies.
When operating from the true Self, your experience will be characterized one of 8 “C’s”:
Calm
Creativity
Curiosity
Confidence
Compassion
Courage
Connectedness
Clarity
Therefore, when you are not experiencing these qualities, you may be blended with a part or parts.
The Protectors (Managers & Firefighters) & Exiles - No Part is Bad!
In the IFS system, there are two primary types of parts—protectors and exiles. The protectors are the parts you usually encounter first in exploring yourself. Their job is to handle the world and protect against the pain of the exiles. Exiles are young child parts that hold pain from the past, pushed out by protectors. They’re held in a sort of mental prison, but want to be heard, and they want their story told.
For example, John has one protector that tries to know everything about any organization he might work with and tries to do everything perfectly. This is an incredible burden for him and prevents him from being light and flexible in his work life. When he started to get to know this protector, he learned that it was trying to protect him from being betrayed by people or projects he might put his heart and soul into. He also realized he had another protector that was very suspicious of people. This part checks out people carefully to see how they might betray him. Both protectors are trying to protect John from feeling the pain of an exile part that felt hurt and betrayed, first by his mother and then by an organization he was part of.
In the above example Sally had a protector that said, “Who do you think you are?” Although this message has prevented Sally from taking action as she would like, it is trying to protect Sally from the pain of an exile part who felt crushed and frightened of punishment. It turned out that Sally (and other children) had been punished by the nuns in her Catholic school whenever they became too visible, so from then on in her life, she had a terrified exile and a protector who tried to keep Sally invisible.
Parts take on extreme roles because of what has happened to them in the past. Exiles take on pain and burdens from what they experienced as children (or occasionally at other times). Protectors take on extreme roles in order to protect you from the pain of the exiles. IFS has a method of understanding and working with these parts to release the burdens and heal the system, so you can function in healthy ways.
Protectors: Managers -- are responsible for maintaining a functioning level of consciousness in daily life by warding off any unwanted or counterproductive interactions, emotions, or experiences resulting from external stimuli.
Protectors: Firefighters -- serve as a distraction to the mind when exiles break free from suppression. In order to protect the consciousness from feeling the pain of the exiles, firefighters prompt a person to act on impulse and engage in behaviors that are indulgent, addictive, and oftentimes abusive. Firefighters may redirect attention to other areas such as sex, work, food, alcohol, or drugs.
Exiles are most often in a state of pain or trauma, which may result from childhood experiences. Managers and firefighters exile these parts and prevent them from reaching the conscious level so that proper functioning and preservation are maintained.
How does this work?
First, you learn to access the self. The self is the agent of healing, and the true leader of the internal system. Next, the Self chooses a part to focus on.
For example, let’s look at Bill, who has a protector who is judgmental and competitive. This is distressing to Bill because he believes in being cooperative and accepting and inclusive, and to some extent he is. But his judgmental protector crops up in situations where Bill feels threatened. Often he is able to hide his judgments, but sometimes they leak out and cause problems. This makes Bill considerably less effective at work and causes dissension in his organization. It also causes problems for him in his marriage.
Bill started out his IFS work by focusing on his Judgmental Part. It wasn’t easy for Bill to be in Self because he felt disgusted with the Judgmental Part for not living up to his ideals. (The Self is never disgusted, so this was really another part of Bill.) However, with some work, he was able to be genuinely in his Self so that he was interested in getting to know the Judgmental Part. He found out that it was trying to protect an exile part of him that felt inadequate. Bill had a learning problem as a child even though he is quite intelligent and competent. So there was a young part of Bill that had felt inadequate in school. The Judgmental Part was trying to compensate for this inadequacy by feeling superior to people. Bill had grown up in a judgmental, competitive home, so that was the primary model this part knew. As Bill got to know the Judgmental Part, he understood why this part acted as it did and appreciated its efforts on his behalf.
He then contacted the exile who felt inadequate. He listened and watched as this part showed him scenes from his childhood where it felt ashamed and inadequate because of his learning problem, and he responded to it with compassion and caring. The young part responded to this by feeling cherished and valuable for the first time. Up until then, it had been hidden away in Bill’s unconscious, which only increased its feelings of worthlessness. With love from Bill’s Self and direction from the IFS therapist, this young part was able to release the burden of inadequacy it had been carrying and feel good about itself. This allowed the Judgmental protector to relax. It no longer needed to judge people to compensate for the exile’s pain. This enabled Bill to respond to people in the way he always wanted, with openness and acceptance and a cooperative attitude. As a result, he became much more effective at work, and he stopped having so many fights with his wife.
Working With the Parts: Protectors and managers
Protectors and managers are parts that have two different functions: managing our lives so that we can be safe and comfortable and avoid pain, and rushing in once we have gotten triggered to try to “put out the fires.” You might recognize a manager or protector part in strategies such as planning, organizing, procrastinating, and so on, while parts acting as firefighters might rush in after we are upset with strategies such as eating too much, surfing the internet, drinking or drug use, or other kinds of self-soothing behaviors.
Reflection
See if you can identify a protector or manager part in you. How do you first sense this part? How is its presence known? What are the bodily sensations or felt sense of the part? See if you can be precise in capturing this experience of the part. Even a few brief phrases can be helpful. Then think or write about how you feel toward the part, and how the part feels toward you.
If your feelings are not aligned with the 8 C’s above, they indicate the presence of another part. At this point, you may ask that part to stand aside for a little bit, or you may choose to turn toward that part. Describe, as completely as possible, whatever you can discover about the part. In the same way you might be curious about someone you are meeting for the first time, see what you can find out about the part. Make some notes about what you learn.
Let the part know that you are writing down what it is telling you so that you can be sure you get it right, and so that you can remember what it wants you to know. You might ask how old the part is, or when it first appeared. You might also ask what it believes its job is, how it is helping you. What might happen if it was not doing this job? What concerns or fears does it have?
What is its role in helping you manage your life and the world?
How does it relate to other people?
What is its positive intent for you?
How does it protect you?
What is it trying to protect you from?
Does it like its job, or would it rather be doing something else if it could? As you listen or attend to the part, and make notes, does your feeling toward the part change? Can you let the part know what you are feeling? How does the part respond, knowing how you feel toward it? Is there anything else it wants you to know?
The 6 “F’s”: The Steps We Use to Help Protective Parts Differentiate from the Self
The first three steps (find, focus, flesh out) involve helping parts to un-blend.
FIND the part in, on or around the body. Who needs your attention right now? Where do you notice it?
FOCUS on it. Turn your attention inside.
FLESH it out. Can you see it? If so, how does it look? If not, how do you experience it? What is that like? How close are you to it?
FEEL. How do you feel toward the part?
This question is our Geiger Counter for Self-energy. Any answer that is not in the ballpark of the 8 C’s (The qualities of Self-energy: Curiosity, calm, clarity, connectedness, confidence, courage, creativity and compassion) means that a second part is influencing our thoughts.
We ask this second part if it is willing to relax so we can talk to the target part. If it is not willing to relax, we ask it what it needs us to know. This process may lead us to a second (or third, fourth…) target part.
Reactive parts often need to feel heard and validated. We stay with them until they are willing to let us get to know the target part. Once they agree, we ask them, “How do you feel toward the (target) part now?”
5. BeFRIEND the part by finding out more about it. This step involves learning about the target part and developing a friendly relationship. This builds relationships internally (Self to part) and externally (part to therapist). How did it get this job? How effective is the job? If it didn’t have to do this job, what would it rather do? How old is it? How old does it think you are? What else does it want you to know?
6. FEAR. What does this part FEAR? What does it want for you? What would happen if it stopped doing this job? This key question will reveal any lurking polarization. For example, “if I stop feeling anxious, I’m afraid the suicidal part will take over.” Or it will reveal the exile it protects. “If I stop feeling anxious, I’m afraid Jane will feel all alone and worthless.”
